Tracy Gray ~ Graystar Farms

Have you ever gone through a season of change that had you so holy broken open that you simply couldn’t find words ?

Maybe your body had an unexpected plot twist in the works (turns out inflammation is information) maybe relationships withered, some may have died a slow, cold death.  

For many, this winter has been a long season of endings. Hell, the queen died this winter !?!  Old systems are slowly dying and new ones, are preparing to be birthed.

 This winter offered me a double edged sword. The ‘GIFT’ of rest and reflection.  Sweet Jesus hand me a to-do list and an event to organize and I’m in heaven!  Leave me alone on a 10 acre parcel of high vibes land that whispers while I walk and speaks to me as I dream, and I’m straight back to feeling the immense discomfort of an insecurely attached child. 

In my attempts to dodge the  Dark Mother of winter who relentlessly beckoned for my attention, I came face to face with lonely chambers of my girlhood and the over functioning and anger of my adolescence.

The Dark Mother is Winter’s  Giver of shadowy Gifts. She inspires  gift giving to parts of ourself we have forgotten or conveniently dismissed loving.

This winter, the Dark Mother re-introduced me to my inner-girl. My 7 year old self, my 11 year old self, and my adolescent self.  Parts I’d left behind and dismissed as irrelevant, lo so many years ago. I had few memories, to be honest.  The little connection I have with my maiden archetype and tween/teen years, feel not much like love or tenderness and a whole lot like repressed rage intertwined with confusion.

 Dark Mother reacquainted us this winter. With freezing temps, a shit ton of snow around, and 1 farm truck between us – there was no where to run, no tasks to hide in.  This winter, it was about staying and feeling. 

 So I got cozy, hired a super skilled therapist who won’t let me dodge the awkward or digress to news about her life, and spent quite alot of time with Dark Mother this winter.

The wood fired Sauna &  Hot-tub we built here at the farm became divinely timed NEW SPIRITUAL PRACTICES to survive the dredges of a long and painful season of being human. 

There was sweat, tears, fires, cold showers, snow baths, and space to BE with it all. There were decades of shedding. Identities died, roles were grieved, longings were acknowledged, lies dispelled, truths told.

Gifts are born from the ashes of what Dark Mother brings in such a Winter.  Old stories and protective parts get laid to rest.  

It’s plain untrue to think that anyone other than myself, my guides, ancestors and protective forces could do for me – what only I could bravely do for myself. Feel sorrow. Accept heartbreak. Express rage. Acknowledge the loss.

 Sitting in the cold dark loneliness of it all feeling all the things, without numbing, avoiding, distracting or bypassing isn’t something anyone else can do for you. It it what YOU must do for yourself. Be it in COMMUNITIES, or spaces that feel safe, and have the capacity to hold you firm, but gentle. 

 You, and your god (creator, divine, great spirit etc….) are your own healing elixir. At some point in your life, You realize YOU are your own damn medicine woman, 

Incase it hasn’t quite landed yet, I’m coming to you from the messy middle of a spiritual metamorphosis. It’s been painful, vulnerable and awkward as fuck.   

 I haven’t  ‘made it through’ I’m not here to share  ‘lessons learnt from the other side’.

I’m in it. STILL. I also see the light of a new season just ahead. 

SPRING –  Where there is more light than dark and where the healing begins to bubble up and billow out, from inward to outwards. 

 While in the trenches of healing from all the childhood trauma – My present self has outgrown the skin I was in. I’m in need of shedding old identities, old alliances, and some agreements once made when I didn’t know better.    I’m learning about what’s left when you disrobe from the cloak of cultural conditioning, put down the burden of parentified daughtering and learn to protect, guide and nurture the naked parts that have been hidden underneath.

You will be greeting the child, the daughter, the young mother, the wayward youth, or the wild woman of seasons past. What would it be like to meet her with a knowing smile, a slight softening around your heart.  A smidge of curiosity and compassion. A tad of tenderness and mercy. 

What might those younger parts want you to know now? What might your future elder self – wish you would have paid attention to while there was an invitation vs a demand to do so?

To make it through a season of such Wintering without creating maladaptive coping strategies or downplaying  destructive addictions, is to experience both DEATH and REBIRTH. It’s a returning to the world in a different shape. Possibly with softer edges, wiser eyes, and a more textured space around your heart. 

This winter, the Dark Mother reminded me that although more naturally introverted, I’m in fact NOT not an island. Even though I live on a farm, and am on my own much of the time. I need others. We need each other. Togetherness, side by side, face to face, touch, smell, connection, the energy of (human) animal vibration is necessary to our wellbeing. Sharing love infused, healing oriented, learning focused, sacred spaces to evolve in – is something many of us yearn for. 

The Dark Mother has also awakened a mystical  connection with the earth, and the animals that reside here. This land we inhabit feels sacred, and it requires thoughtful stewarding. It asks for reciprocity and right relationship. It calls us to a higher standard of relationship and healing. 

“We like to imagine that it’s possible for life to be one eternal summer. And that we have uniquely failed to achieve that for ourselves. We dream of an equatorial habitat, forever close to the sun; an endless unvarying high season. But life’s not like that.” .    Katherine May – Wintering

Alas, life is NOT an eternal high season, an endless summer. It is rife with efforts for betterment. For more love and less fear, less shame. On that note, I invite you to stay tuned to what offerings will be born from the gifts of the Dark Mother’s Visit.  What communities will be birthed, and what connections and collaborations will ensue. 

Thank-you for being here. May you be blessed!

Here’s to your unapologetic unfolding……..